What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
