If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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