I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
