Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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