He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
