not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
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The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
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I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
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