you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
