in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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