Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
