my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
