OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
