My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
