She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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