we have officially lost it.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
