She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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