i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
