I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
