i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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