he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
