Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
