Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
this boner is exhausting
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
