I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
