went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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