Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
