I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
