id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
