You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
this will be a night to untag.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
