Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Is Oprah even human
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
