i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
And then he peed in my hair
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