YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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