you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Randomize
