it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
