I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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