what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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