I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
