I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
