its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
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We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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