i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
