1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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