Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
