the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
