Sorry, I don't speak sober.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
