i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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