I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
