I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm like, not good at living.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
