So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
