Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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