yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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