Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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