So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
