mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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