that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
