I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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