Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I think I have vodka in my lungs
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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